Apples and Assholes Sauce/Stew/Soup/Whatever

You ever just sit down and think "I wish I were an asshole right now." Not, I mean, the thing that poop comes out of, but the kind of person who can walk down the street, whistle a jaunty tune, and then stick their leg out and clotheseline a health freak off their way-too-expensive mountain bike? Or the kind of person who carries a power drill with them for the sole purpose and spinning it loudly in the air whenever a stranger tries to ask you a question? Maybe you want to be the kind of person who includes the word "assholes" in the title of a post on cooking food that people will eat. Maybe you'll go down on all fours and bite the heads off of flowers that your elderly neighbor spent hours planting.

Regardless of your precise intentions, being an asshole is incredibly fun. It spits in the eye of enforced decency, it swings a 5-iron right into the balls of the society that keeps you from doing what you like when you like it, and it is a perfect sort of spiritual liberation. Of course, there are ways of being an asshole that actually make the world a better place. It's true.

For example - mix onions and apples together. What an asshole combination! Who in their right minds would eat something like that, those things don't go together, what are you trying to prove?

Too bad. I feel like being an asshole today, so that means I feel like mixing weird shit together. And, look, think about this - onions and apples are both sweet, crunchy, and mix extremely well with spices. Yet, typically whenever we want to start up a base for a stew or a sauce, we only ever use onions. Yes, apples have a sweeter, more powerful flavor than onions, but what if we want to use that to our advantage?

WE DO.

Alright. Get a pot, and get olive oil heating up. Wait until your kitchen smells like a Roman being gently, deliciously cremated. While this is happening, chop an onion in half, and then chop it into the smallest pieces you're capable of chopping. No, put the fancy onion chopper thing away, just get out a big, sharp knife, and chop as best you can. You can't use a knife, we can't do business. Because, after all, this isn't just a cooking blog, but a VIOLENCE blog, and seriously, have you ever tried murdering a nosy neighbor who saw what you keep in your basement with one of those press-chop doohickeys? Let me tell you, it's not easy, and it's no fun, and you'll ruin the press-chop doohickey anyway. Stick with a knife.

Got your onion chopped? Good. Crying? Good. Pretend to feel bad about breaking up with your ex while you cry, it'll help you feel justified in dumping their lazy, no-good, can't-do-that-thing-you-know-THAT-THING-you-really-like-in-bed, probably-sleeping-around-on-you-anyway HO-BAG. Then chop the apple, into not quite as small pieces. You can skin the apple first, if you want to, but I kinda like the skins of apples and tomatoes, so I tend to leave them in stuff I make. They lend a nice meatiness and sometimes a proper crunch to things. I like crunch. It's the short version of Crazy Lunch, which is often what I end up eating. Apple chopped? In it goes. Then, quarter a tomato, decide whether you're gonna leave the skin or seeds out (I kept them both), and then chuck them in as well. Stir the whole thing up, and let it get good and properly introduced to itself. And don't be afraid to cram your stirring spoon down and mash things up a tad, either.

Next, pour maybe three cups of V8 vegetable juice in there, and then a few glugs of red wine. Stir all that in, crank the heat up, and let the alcohol cook out of the wine. Keep that bastard stirring. When everything begins to take on kind of the same color (it'll be a properly autumnal clay red-brown), turn the heat down a bit, and season with as much ground white pepper as you like, and more garam marsala than you think you'll need. Stir all that in, and let it condense down, mashing it occasionally.

At this point, you can experiment a bit. Chicken or turkey? Chop those birds up and toss them in, let them cook in the sauce! Another apple, fresh this time and in larger chunks? Sure, what the hell, could make for a nice desert! Little heavy cream, or maybe an egg or two, to thicken things up? YUS. Do whatever the hell you feel like, you're an asshole, if someone tells you not to, insult them to their face until they cry.

I used a green apple for this, but if you're savvy on the different types apples and think you know a particular kind that would work best? Use it! Red, green, golden, who gives a shit? Hell, does this even HAVE to use apples? NO. I just liked the apples and assholes alliteration. You could chop and mash some pears, which would probably be simply amazing as a sauce over pork or a real fatty cut of beef; ever wonder what bananas would be like as a sauce element? Chop 'em up and chuck 'em in! If anyone plugs their nose at the idea of mixing onions and bananas, who cares? YOU'RE AN ASSHOLE. Relish it! Speaking of relish, I just realized this may not make an awful relish, if you're keen on making something like that. Put on a hotdog, eat it in front of your uptight boss at the office barbecue. Then quit your job and PUNCH YOUR BOSS IN THE FACE.

The Apples and Assholes recipe has one distinct advantage over most other examples of being an asshole - it doesn't have any nasty repercussions. In fact, it's probably good for you. Or something. Hell, I dunno, my body is a steaming mass of disease and disappointments, held together only by spite and hatred of and from others. So don't exactly take my words on that, right?