Damncakes

Pancakes? No. DAMNCAKES. Like pancakes, but they're so good that God cast them out of the Garden HOURS before Eve took a bite of the apple. Who knows what might have happened if she'd found the damncakes first - we'd all probably be immortal space hippies by now, with knowledge of not just the difference between good and evil, but we'd also know Michelle Bachmann's true physical form.

What, you think she looks a probably-real-wild-in-bed Math teacher all the time? That's just to lull you into a false sense of voting for her.

Disclaimer: this post contains measurements. It's sort of unavoidable, considering it's at least partly about mixing pancake batter, and that's not something you want to fuck up. You'll end up with something that looks like a props department prank on the set of Breaking Bad. So, here we go, here we go, here we go.

2 cups all-purpose flour (whole wheat, if your feelin' nastay)
3/4 cup plain oatmeal
1/4 cup regular sugar
1/4 cup brown sugar
2 tablespoons baking pownder
2 tablespoons baking soda
2 teaspoons salt
almond extract
vanilla extract
handful of craisins (cranberry raisins, dumbass)
handful of semisweet chocolate chips
2 eggs

Alright. Mix all all your dry ingredients except the craisins and chocolate chips up together - you do not want all your baking soda lumped up in a corner and all your sugar lumped up in another. See above, regarding meth lab scene. So stir 'em up good. When you got it, crack y'r eggs, and chuck 'em in, then the craisins, chocolate, and about two shakes each of almond and vanilla extract (I'm assuming you've got the kind that come in bottles like tabasco sauce comes in. If not, well, use about the same amount as you would for the saliva of a good, contemptuous spit onto your worst enemy's expensive new boots).

You should have a good sunny-colored batter going here. Good. Get out the skillet, griddle, Mongol shield, whatever, and get it up to a little hotter than you'd use to cook eggs. Pour the batter in a little at a time, until you've got something that looks like pancakes which have stared at the Ark of the Covenant for too long. Don't flip 'em until you see bubbles forming and popping on the surface, and even then, lift up the bottoms of the pancakes and see if they're the right color. Note that, because of the ingredients that go into Damncakes, they're going to be a bit darker than normal pancakes, so even if you like yours really light and barely-golden, let them sit a little longer until they have kind of a caramel color to them.

When they're done, take them off the heat and put them on a plate. I shouldn't have to tell you what to do next.

This mix will yield you about 10 normal-goddamn-human-being-sized pancakes, or 6 IHOP-sized pancakes. Freeze what you don't eat, because if they're anything like normal pancakes, Damncakes are just as good when you reheat them after a few weeks.